*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?