Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
this is what they would have looked like, though
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.