me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.