I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.