Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam