“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”