During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
This has made my week.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I have two kinds of followers