I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT