[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.