Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
brian had himself a morning…
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
john wicks are toilet candles
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her