Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.