I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them