posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
You Might Also Like
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Important reminders
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead