RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
You Might Also Like
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
OH. COME. ON.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*