I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.