Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
there has never been a better use of this meme
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that