Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!