When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
That de-escalated quickly
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.