Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda