*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*