You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*