Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.