Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.