why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
real
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.