I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.