[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
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BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Reporter: *ports again*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.