Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The internet is full of many things
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.