[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Perfection.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.