I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded