Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Damn what did I do next
Oh the world we live in…
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*