*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Not my job 😂
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more