No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.