I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
*limbos under the caution tape
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
quarantine day 3
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.