I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one