[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
He a real one for that
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*