Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
can you read it!!??
maan!