It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Its true…
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*