There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now