Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?