me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.