I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*