My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
this has done me in for some reason
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.