White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
*praying for world peace*
God:
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
my favorite genre of twitter
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*