the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.