*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
This was the best day of my life
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
They’re called werewolves.