When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Finally, a door that understands me
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time