Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
? 💀
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.