[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.