*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
This rocks
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
let’s discuss
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.