Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I put the hot in psychotic.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None